Holiday thoughts

Spending time with the family during the holidays is a good way to realize you are a normal, everyday person.

A normal, everyday person with a lot of gas.

Excuse me.

United Steaks

 
OK, this is real. This is not fake. Wednesday night, my GIRLFRIEND and I (there, I said it! Satisfied?) were making dinner, and I noticed that my steak looked JUST LIKE the United States of America (sans Florida, but I tried to make a Florida out of sauteed mushrooms).

Can you see it? Please tell me you can see it. I'm not crazy, you know. 

Tiny Tree!

 
This is the BEST holiday thing I've ever seen. Ever. In the history of holiday things, this is the best. I saw it in the parking lot of the Arclight in Hollywood.

It's a TINY FAKE CHRISTMAS TREE TIED TO THE ROOF OF A V0LKSWAGEN B33TL3! 

Today's favorite quote

I got this from my friend Ebbie today.

"I have such stupid luck.... I'm not sayin' its bad luck, just stupid.
I want to turn into a butterfly and fly away.... but then I'd get about a quarter mile and a crow would eat me."

Spelling, please!

Dear everyone in the English Speaking World:

Please learn how to spell "definitely," or I will definitely kick you in the balls.

Today's random question

When you were a little kid, were you a no-shirt kid, a no-pants kid, a no-shoes kid, a combination of two, or a nudie kid?

When I was little, I ran around barefoot and in my underpants. These days, when I'm at my mom's house, I keep my pants on, but she always bugs me to wear slippers.

Anyone else care to share?

Two things.

1. I'm the King of Bad Timing®
2. I almost always get what I want, but almost never in the needed quantities.

Just an observation

Boy, that S@dd@m Husse!n can get a little testy, don'tcha think?

Titles

OK, I think I've found it. The title of my autobiographical one-man show will be "Seriously, I'm not insecure, I'm just not that talented."