Another reason I am a goofball
I live in a studio apartment. It is smaller than the computer you are reading this on. I have a cordless phone. Already, that seems a bit odd. Not only do I have a cordless phone, but I cannot tell you how many times I have had to hit the "find" button on the damn thing. Did I mention I live in a stuido?
Friday, September 26, 2003
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
One reason why I'm kind of a goofball
Yesterday I was flipping through a book of old pictures from Russia. I saw one photo from the 1920's of all these factory workers gathered for a labor meeting. They were hundreds of them all standing in the factory, looking straight into the camera, all ages, looking quite stoic, faces hardened by labor, clothes dirtied with machine dust, yet looking quite dignified. And all I could think of was "Wow, look at all those hats."
Yesterday I was flipping through a book of old pictures from Russia. I saw one photo from the 1920's of all these factory workers gathered for a labor meeting. They were hundreds of them all standing in the factory, looking straight into the camera, all ages, looking quite stoic, faces hardened by labor, clothes dirtied with machine dust, yet looking quite dignified. And all I could think of was "Wow, look at all those hats."
Monday, September 22, 2003
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
People think I am a very sociable, outgoing person. But the absolute truth is that I get anxious about social situations. It could be as simple as meeting friends for lunch. I seriously get kind of apprehensive about it. In all honesty, sometimes I would much rather spend a quiet time at home watching TV or reading than going out with people.
But the thing is, when I do go out with friends or whatever, I usually have a good time.
I'm a freak.
But the thing is, when I do go out with friends or whatever, I usually have a good time.
I'm a freak.
Looking back, the fire seems very symbolic. In rituals, fire is symbolic of change, purification, stuff like that. It makes sense now. Well, when you look back at your life, a lot of things start to make sense.
But the fire. I wasn’t there. I was in a van on the way back from Las Vegas with friends. My cell phone rings. It’s my roommate. He tells me about the fire. It was a shock, but I was excited. Everything was coming to a head.
C was becoming more unstable with me, and I just wanted out. I was realizing that the relationship was not making me happy, because I started basing decisions and changing myself in order to accommodate her. I realized that had been going on for a long time, and I was losing myself. I wanted it to be over. I needed to find my self-esteem again. The whole relationship with C was a slow erosion of my self-image. I slowly started to see myself as a loser, never being good enough. At least, not good enough for her.
And I wanted to move out of my apartment. It was a great living situation, the rent was dirt cheap, the place was huge, and the place would be better than before after the landlord made repairs, but I really needed to have a place on my own. And what better way to go looking for a new apartment than being burned out of your old one.
It was a good starting point, that fire. That was nearly three years ago. And since then, things have accelerated for me. I have gone through and have grown so much since then. I can say that I am definitely in a much better place now than where I was.
Everyone could use a good fire now and again.
But the fire. I wasn’t there. I was in a van on the way back from Las Vegas with friends. My cell phone rings. It’s my roommate. He tells me about the fire. It was a shock, but I was excited. Everything was coming to a head.
C was becoming more unstable with me, and I just wanted out. I was realizing that the relationship was not making me happy, because I started basing decisions and changing myself in order to accommodate her. I realized that had been going on for a long time, and I was losing myself. I wanted it to be over. I needed to find my self-esteem again. The whole relationship with C was a slow erosion of my self-image. I slowly started to see myself as a loser, never being good enough. At least, not good enough for her.
And I wanted to move out of my apartment. It was a great living situation, the rent was dirt cheap, the place was huge, and the place would be better than before after the landlord made repairs, but I really needed to have a place on my own. And what better way to go looking for a new apartment than being burned out of your old one.
It was a good starting point, that fire. That was nearly three years ago. And since then, things have accelerated for me. I have gone through and have grown so much since then. I can say that I am definitely in a much better place now than where I was.
Everyone could use a good fire now and again.
Monday, September 15, 2003
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