I have weird conversations with my family

Today's phone call with my parents:

Dad: Hi, Ken.
Me: Hi, Dad.
Dad: I just got out of the hospital today.
Me: Great! How are you doing?
Dad: Fine. Your mom wants to talk to you.
(hands phone to Mom)
Mom: Hi, Kyle. I mean, Ken.
Me: Hi, Mom.
Mom Your dad just got out of the hospital today.
Dad: I know. How is he doing?
Mom: Good.
Me: I want L@sik surgery someday.
Mom: Yeah, me too.
Me: Okay, bye.
Mom: Bye.

That time of the month?

Bills are just a monthly reminder of how fucking poor I am.

OK, just to keep you updated.

So, like, there's this woman that I've been seeing for a little bit now. And I'm pretty darn close to proclaiming that she kicks ALL POSSIBLE ASS!

Just wait.

Just a friendly reminder for the guys

Remember, guys, brownie points are NOT cumulative. They are reset to zero at the start of every day.

Basically, what I'm saying is, guys, when it comes to dating, don't be a dickweed. EVER.

For the next five seconds I'm gonna act all teenager-like.

I LIKE A GIRL! AND SHE LIKES ME!!! WOO-HOO!!

OK, thanks. Get back to work.

It's scientific.

When P. D!ddy released the "P." from his name, it floated around freely, until it found itself attached to mine. I think it has to do with atoms or something. Now people have to call me P. Kennedy.

Shit.