Inevitable

One of the rules in life:

The day you go out looking your absolute shittiest is the day you will run into either your ex-girlfriend or that one girl you are trying to convince that you are the bee's knees.

If you're really lucky, you'll run into both. At the same time. And you'll fart.

Another Valentine's thing

Sex with me is like riding a really fun rollercoaster. Up and down, upside down, lots of laughing, someone loses the camera, and when it's done, you feel like puking.

Yeah. It's that intense.

This is the Valentine's card I sent to my friends...

I choo-choo-choose YOU all as my Valentines! Isn't that swell and shit?

That Cupid fella has good aim. Goes straight for the main body mass,
where all the vitals are. I must now remove this barbed hunting shaft
from my torso. That winged motherfucker uses arrowheads used to take
down elk! I think my left lung has collapsed. DAMN YOU, CHERUBIC
ARCHER! DAMN YOU TO HEL- [collapses in a heap] [major blood loss]

Moving?

If you have a dog or cat and want to move into a building that doesn't allow pets, just dress it up in human clothes and tell the landlord that it's your child. If they say "That's not a child, that's a cat," just get insulted and say "Are you saying my child is ugly?"

It works.

Trust me, it works.