Inevitable

One of the rules in life:

The day you go out looking your absolute shittiest is the day you will run into either your ex-girlfriend or that one girl you are trying to convince that you are the bee's knees.

If you're really lucky, you'll run into both. At the same time. And you'll fart.

Another Valentine's thing

Sex with me is like riding a really fun rollercoaster. Up and down, upside down, lots of laughing, someone loses the camera, and when it's done, you feel like puking.

Yeah. It's that intense.

This is the Valentine's card I sent to my friends...

I choo-choo-choose YOU all as my Valentines! Isn't that swell and shit?

That Cupid fella has good aim. Goes straight for the main body mass,
where all the vitals are. I must now remove this barbed hunting shaft
from my torso. That winged motherfucker uses arrowheads used to take
down elk! I think my left lung has collapsed. DAMN YOU, CHERUBIC
ARCHER! DAMN YOU TO HEL- [collapses in a heap] [major blood loss]

Moving?

If you have a dog or cat and want to move into a building that doesn't allow pets, just dress it up in human clothes and tell the landlord that it's your child. If they say "That's not a child, that's a cat," just get insulted and say "Are you saying my child is ugly?"

It works.

Trust me, it works.

Talk history to me, baby!

Is it me, or are most of the women appraisers on "Antiques Roadshow" kinda sexy?

I got a thing for brainy chicks.

Candy-gram-mer

OK, I bought some Dove chocolates on sale (they were autumn themed, so there). Inside the wrapper of these individually wrapped, small, rounded-edged squares of fuck-all-y'all goodness, are printed some really awful pseudo-thoughtful autumnal sayings, like "enjoy the colors of nature" or "Fly a kite in the azure sky" or some lame shit. But that doesn't really bother me because I bought the bag for the dark chocolate-y goodness that is Dove, not for shitty wanna-be fortunes. No, it doesn't bother me.

That is, it didn't bother me until this piece I opened a few minutes ago.

The wrapper read: "The wind tells a story, listen."

The offending evidence:





OK, not only is that a STUPID, neo-hippy-new-agey thought, it's got TERRIBLE PUNCTUATION. There's a comma where a period or other END PUNCTUATION belongs. NOT A FUCKING COMMA. Correct grammer would read "The wind tells a story. Listen." Or, "The wind tells a story? Listen!" Or, "The wind tells a story! Listen!" Not a comma, you dickweeds, an end punctuation. Hey, here's a good example of using a comma - "FUCK YOU, DOVE!"

It made me so mad, I had to eat four more chocolates, even though my cholesterol is high. I ate them not because I was hungry or had a sweet tooth, but out of ANGER at DOVE. And to read some other lame sayings that were correctly puctuated, just to get the stupid punctuation mistake out of my head.

Fuck you, Dove.

P.S.
I love your chocolates.

P.P.S.
Fuck you anyway.

P.P.P.S.
You know, I haven't actually checked any punctuation books, so I may be entirely wrong. But whatever. It looks wrong. And if I'm wrong, then Dove is wrong for printing stupid shit on their labels.

Same thing, different person

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading. - Zach Braff