Without getting graphic or nasty...

Things that you shouldn't hear during sex:

1) At least someone's having a good time.
2) I've been done for 20 minutes.  Hurry up.
3) Just lie there, don't look at me, and keep your hands to yourself.
4) Trust me, you're gonna need the helmet.
5) This'll be fun.  I saw it done at the circus.
6) Remeber, millions of people will be watching.

You can feel it.

I like watching America's Test K1tchen on PBS. Not for any recipes or cooking tips or anything. I watch it to see the sexual tension between Chris and Julia.



You can see it. It's barbaric. Let me tell you, SOMETHING'S being tested in that kitchen. And it ain't the layer cake. But it IS hot. And big. And penis shaped.

My tremendous following

I wouldn't say that I have an actual "fan base."

It's more of a "Hey, it's that guy" base.

Polar opposites

Last night I saw Cherry Jones at the Ahmanson in the play "Doubt." She was awesome, a tour-de-force. A powerful actor.

On a completely different note, am I the only one who doesn't get the whole Scarlett Johanssen hype? I find her neither star-like nor sexy.

The law

This is from a writer named Heather Adler. She wrote about not doing stupid things from movies. This is my favorite line...

"...you cannot actually defy gravity. You're Sir Isaac Newton's bitch, just like the rest of us."

Yes. We are all Sir Isaac Newton's bitches.

Where'd it go?

It's been one of those days where I have to stop and say, "Wait a second, you mean I ate ALL the kettle corn?!?"

A good piece of advice

This is mostly for performers, but strangely, applies to life itself:

Never phone it in, never half-ass anything.

The robot revolution is close at robot hand

OK, so like, the girlfriend and I were at Disneyland recently, and we saw a presentatin that featured the ASIMO robot.


Cute, huh?

Yeah, well it's cute now, but wait till it gets its tiny, alloy hand around a knife, and it slits your achille's tendon. You won't think it's so cute then, will you? WILL YOU?


Yeah, just you wait. It'll follow you around like a cute puppy, but when you least expect it, BAM, you're face down on the floor, wondering where its "off" switch is.

Yeah. Just you wait. Those fuckers are out to get us.

Smells like something...

I read that in his latest concerts, Justin Timberlake plays guitar and does a cover of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

Ladies and gentlemen, monkeys have just flown out of my butt.

It's still happening...

Recently, I have found myself becoming increasingly quick to create a pun out of a situation, and actually finding it funny, and wondering why others don't. Yet another sign that I am becoming my dad.

Mark my words...

I truly believe that the "bed head" look and the "faux-hawk" are going to be the mullet of the 2000's. The Kennedy Kabasares has spoken.

The Muzak-ification of stuff

I know I'm getting old because I was in a department store in Ojai (a cute, small town near Santa Barbara), when I heard a Muzak version of...now, this is really obscure, but dammit, it got Muzak-ified...The English Beat's "The End of the Party." Can you freaking believe it? They elevator music-did the freakin English Beat! And of ALL songs, "The End of the Party"?!?

The Apocalypse is truly nigh.

I swear, if they Muzak-ify the Clash's "London Calling," I'm gonna jump of a bridge.

One damn word

I just realized that my former understanding of the word "esoteric" is incorrect. My whole world has changed now. I gotta lie down.

I could love it or hate it

So I'm is San Francisco to 1) hang out with my girlfriend, 2) see the parents, and 3) take a static trapeze class with a really cool teacher.

But that's not the point. The point is that after class today (Saturday), my friend and I went to a local cafe to get some food. It was called "Cafe Gratitude," and it was so...well...let me explain.

It was pretty much an organic cafe, which was fine, because I was in a mood for a good salad. The names of all the foods on the menu stared with "I am", like "I am warm," "I am Giving," and "I am Hot Stuff". So, when you order, you tell the waiter. In my case, I got the "I am Dazzling," which is their version of a Caesar salad. So the waiter repeats the order, saying "You are Dazzling." And when the food comes to you, they repeat it again. They're holding a plate and asking "You are Dazzling". And I answered with a hearty "Yes I am!"

And they have inspirational cards on the table with words of wisdom, gratitude, and stuff like that, and there were inspirational paintings on the wall, saying stuff like "Accept your beauty," or something of the kind.

At first, I was kind of making fun of it. I thought, "Damn, I just want to eat."
But I was in a good mood, so I started to really get into this hippy-dippy stuff. It felt kind of good. The waitress asked "So, what are you celebrating about yourself today?" And I just got out of a good workout, so I said "My strength."

There was no attitude with the staff. They seemed genuinely gracious and helpful, and after a while, it kind of rubbed off on me.

Mind you, if I was having a bad day, I would have not hesitated to shoot up the place. With a gun. Wait, if I was having a bad day, I think I'd just avoid that place. But if you are feeling pretty good, that's a pretty decent place to go.

It's so freakin' hot!

It's been inhumanely hot these past few days. Power consumption has risen, and may cause many blackouts. So, instead of turning on your air conditioning or fans or what not, I think everyone should just go naked today. Everyone. Oh, except for that guy over there. See him? Right there. No, not him, the one with the...yeah. That one. He should keep his clothes on.

The things I do

Sometimes I like to put my hands up in the air. ANd then, just for the fuck of it, I wave them like I just don't care. Then, usually, someone comes by and asks me if somethings wrong. So I stop.

Things I'd like to hear Dame Judi Dench say

"I think ass-tard is a perfectly good word, and I feel one should use it quite often. I have a quite a few relatives who are perfect ass-tards."

Travel time

The other day, a female friend was eating a piece of cake. She said "This is going to go straight to my thighs."

I said "Of course it won't. First it makes a pit stop at your ass, and THEN it goes to your thighs."

And then she stabbed me in the kidney.

A list of why my girlfriend is awesome

She doesn't need a list. She just is. And to top it off, she can kick your sorry ass. And your momma's.

P.S.
No, she's never read this blog.

Kid stuff

So, like, remember when you asked a kid what time it was, and they would usually say "half past a monkey's ass, quarter to his balls"?

Now, I wonder, how could it be BOTH half past his ass AND a quarter to his balls? Can you be a little more accurate?

And secondly, WHAT THE HELL KIND OF WATCH IS THAT?!!???

It was nice knowing you guys...

Study: San Andreas fault overdue for quake
By ALICIA CHANG, AP Science Writer

LOS ANGELES - New earthquake research confirms the southern end of the San Andreas fault near Los Angeles is overdue for a Big One. The lower section of the fault has not produced a major earthquake in more than three centuries...

Read the rest of the story here...
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060621/ap_on_sc/san_andreas_fault_4

I suggest buying canned goods and batteries as soon as f****ng possible. Buy a tent. And, in my humble opinion, a dual purpose motorcycle will outdo any SUV in an emergency. Try getting the f*** out of the city when all the streets are jammed with cars. Now do you wish you learned how to ride? SEE YA, BEEE-YOTCHES!

My dream of being a recluse is *that* much closer!

Free wi-fi at my apartment. Pizza delivery. Netflix. And now...

THIS!!

I will never have to leave my apartment again.

And suddenly...

As if overnight,suddenly there is a J0LIBEE ON BEVERLY NEAR VERMONT!!!!! F**K YEAH, MOTHERF***ER!!! CHICKENJ0Y, BEEEYOTCHES!!!!

P.S.
There is nothing wrong with being naked in front of the computer. I'm doing that right now.

P.P.S.
As long as you're not at work.

I'm a gemini

So you get to see...
SWEET KENNEDY (with Blake):

and...
SPICY KENNEDY (with Robert):

These photos were taken within a day of each other.
Enjoy the differences.

 

I'm not that emotional sometimes.

As this is my last week in Tucson, I know I will miss it. I will miss the county seat of Pima County, Arizona, United States, located 118 miles (188 km) southeast of Phoenix, which, as of July 1, 2004, a Census estimate put the city's population at 521,605, and the metropolitan population at 931,210. The population of metropolitan Tucson is expected to exceed 1 million by spring 2007.

I will miss the friendliness of this city that became part of the United States after the Gadsen Purchase in 1853. I will miss the stunning views of this desert city, a total area of 505.3 km² (195.1 mi²), located along I-10, a highway which runs to Phoenix and Los Angeles in the northwest, and through El Paso, Texas to Jacksonville, Florida in the east.

I will miss its cloudless pre-summer sky, which is characterized by low humidity, and daytime high temperatures that exceed 100 degrees Fahrenheit.

But mostly, I will miss the people, of which is 70.15% White, 4.33% Black or African American, 2.27% Native American, 2.46% Asian, 0.16% Pacific Islander, 16.85% from other races, and 3.79% from two or more races. 35.72% of the population are Hispanic or Latino of any race. Whose median income for a household in the city was $30,981, and the median income for a family was $37,344.

Yes, I will miss this place.

Today's touristy thing

Hi. This being my last week in Tucson, Arizona, I have decided to do real touristy stuff before I leave. I was too busy before to do too much touristy things, but now I have time. Today I went to the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, which is a great museum dedicated to the wildlife in the Sonora desert.

This is a fossilized ground sloth poop. Yes. I am not a liar. Ground sloths are prehistoric creatures, and here is its poop.


This here is a real life big-ass cat. It might be a cougar or something. I was too excited to look at the name. That's my hand, and it looks a lot bigger than the cat, but believe me, my hand is really small. I am not lying.


This is a beaver that is not dead. It is asleep. I saw it breathe. I am not lying.
On the way back home, there was this scenic rest stop with these awesome views of the valley. I climed up the top of this hill that had this little sitting area. It was really, really cool. 

Life is so freakin unfair.

Tomorrow, Ben & Jerry's is having a free cone day. So you all can go to your neighborhood Ben & Jerry's ice cream store and get a free ice cream cone.

Right now I am in Tucson, Arizona. The nearest Ben & Jerry's is 2 freakin' hours away. I mean, sometimes I think driving two hours for a scoop of ice cream is worth it, but that would mean I'd have to be in Phoenix. Have you ever been to Phoenix? Then you know what I mean.

Old Tyme Language

A couple of friends and I are trying to bring back near-extinct English phrases. For example:

1) Using the word "Say" before each sentence. "Say" should be elongated, like "Saaaaay". For example, "Saaay, what's the big idea?" or "Saaay, you're a pretty dame."

2) Using "Dame" for a woman.

3) Using the word "Fellow" (pronounced "fella") when addressing or reffering to a man. "Saaaay, fella, who's that fella with that group of fellas?"

4) Using the word "fisticuffs" to mean a fight. Of course, this word is from an earlier era than the previous three, but it's a word that's gone out of fashion and needs to be revived, if only for my pleasure. "Saaay, that's the fella I got into fisticuffs with over that dame."

If you have more to add, please do. I'm sure I'm missing a bunch of other words. Like "moll." I think that's a gangster's girlfriend. But I could be wrong.

P.S.
On an entirely different note, check out this article about my trapeze coach! He fuckin ROCKS!!!
http://www.laweekly.com/la-people-2006/suspended-storyteller/13159/

Update: I am not stranded in the desert.

See, the problem was that I couldn't yank the flat tire off of the car. I tried and tried, but it was stuck, so I had to call a tow truck guy.

 This is me waiting for an hour and a half for the tow guy. The sun was setting when he finally came.

 This is the dreaded flat tire that wouldn't budge. The guy said that wheels can stick, especially aluminum wheels. He had to get a rubber mallet and pound the sucker till it gave. There was no way I would try that on my own, on unstable ground, with the rickety jack that comes with the car (you can see the jack in the foreground). The guy said those things were dangerous, and used his own super jack. Tow truck guys rule!

  This is me a few minutes ago, back at home in Tucson, after consuming a Coldestone ice cream. I deserved it. 

Stuck!

Today was my day off, so i decided to drive 2 hours out into the desert. i got a flat tire, and i can'T get the flat tire off. i had to call a tow truck. He said it would be an hour, so now im waiting in my car. THis is me waiting in the desert for a tow.

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Today on Teletubbies

Today the Teletubbies were swapping their favorite things. Po wanted to play with Dipsy's scooter. But, you know, Po doesn't speak all to well, so Po called it a "cooter." You heard me right. Po likes cooters.

The Teletubbies fucking ROCK, and if you don't think so, you're a communist anarchist poo-head.

P.S.
How do they keep the baby's head so still in the sun? I think they use clamps.

Phone Blog

I'm done with rehearsal and i'm bored. Tucson has great sunsets. See?

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Oh, Tucson.

Tucson, Arizona has a Target, a Trader Joe's, a Coldstone Creamery, and a Krispy Kreme Donuts. Therefore, it is officially a civilized area.

Arizona is my home for now...

I am living in a HUGE bed and breakfast here in Tucson, AZ. I may be moved to a different housing situation in the next couple of days, but I'll deal with it when it happens.

I'm doing a play here. I'll be living here till the end of April. Tucson is a laid-back place. The cast is quite talented. I dig the script. The author is really cool.

And I think I accidentally food-poisoned the director last night.

Is this luuuurve?

I stopped by a Target store on the way home tonight. I didn't need anything, and I didn't end up buying anything. I just love target. I am in LOVE with TARGET.

DO YOU HEAR ME, TARGET? I LOVE YOU!!!

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!!!

DON'T EVER CLOSE OR I WILL DIE!!!!

Not the meanest thing...

Although not necessarily the meanest, I think one of the funnier things you can call someone is a "dickbite."

I'm a simple guy

I try to lead a simple life. I don't like making things complicated. Complication leads to confusion. Confusion leads to stress. Stress leads to physical ailments such as high blood pressure and constipation. And I don't like constipation. I like my poops regular.

So that's why I lead a simple life. Cuz I like to poop.

I LOVE THIS VIDEO.

This, quite possibly, may be the best video in the world.

Did you hear me? IN...........THE..............WORLD!!!!!!!!

Because of this video, I may start to once again belive in an all-powerful and benevolent god. I may quit my job, sell my shit and roam the earth, spread joy, heal the sick, and build schools for impoverished villages.

I don't remember ever feeling this kind of overwhelming joy since I was a kid at Christmas.

I

LOVE

THIS

VIDEO

http://web.bitnet.net/rabies/apache.mpeg

Just a serious, little question...

WHATCHOO GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT JUNK?
ALL THAT JUNK INSIDE THAT TRUNK?








...well?

You have no right to judge me.

I don't care what anyone thinks, I LIKE watching the Teletubbies.

And I can kick your ass.

It's the simple things, really.

My kitchen sink has been slow draining for the last few months. Yeah, I said months. I tried all the chemical things you pour down sinks to dislodge whatever is in there. And I didn't want to call the manager because I am a man and can fix things all by myself, until I decide I have done everything I possibly could.

Anyway, it was at the point that after I washed the dishes, I would check my email, then go downstairs and check my real mail, come back, and the sink STILL wouldn't be drained.

My last resort would have been sticking a firecracker or large explosive down the sink, but there are a bunch of senior citizens living in my building, and I would not want to scare them into whatever happens to seniors when they get scared. So instead, I got a small, teeny tiny hand plunger (it looks like a regular plunger but it's less than a foot tall), and violently plunged away like a plunging madman. The sink made some weird, sickly gurgly noises, and up from the drain came this black, silty, oily goo-type stuff that I couldn't identify. It looked like motor oil. But before I could examine it further, the drain sucked it back in, and the water receded in a normal fashion.

I don't remember ever putting any oily-black substance down the drain, but now the sink works and I am the happiest boy in all the land.

The end. How was your day?

Bored yet creative

I'm probably going to get investigated for this sign. Anyway, I made it at http://www.curchsigngenerator.com
You can make one too.



 

I just wanna say...

My girlfriend KICKS ASS!

Don't make me...

You know, folks, I have a "comments" section on my blog for a reason, you know. When people don't leave comments, I cry. I cry, and a rainforest gets killed. And the polar ice caps melt faster. And the hole in the ozone layer gets bigger.

So, for the love of all life on the planet, please leave a comment.

They're just speeding up the inevitable machine revolution.

You all may be saying I'm just crying wolf around here, but...

*CLICK HERE*

25 years from now, when the robots are covered in human blood, holding one of our severed heads high with one of their robot claws and claiming victory for the machines, I don't want to be the one saying "I told you so."

You'd better keep an eye on Mr. Tin and remember where his "off" switch is.

My forces are growing...

OK, so I know how to hypnotize lizards and chickens. Now, meet the next weapon in my personal hypnotized army...

-->CLICK HERE<--

You thought I was paranoid.

Turns out I'm not the only one!
http://www.robotuprising.com

Believe it!

It has begun...

So Br@d P!tt and Angel!na J0lie are expecting a baby.

Oh, did you hear that noise? That was the starting gun signaling the beginning of the M@ster R@ce.

Pretty soon us normal-looking folk will be forced into camps for the physically repulsive, while the god/goddess-spawn of the Brangelinas and their beautiful armies will take over the earth.

Caption of the year

This photo should be captioned "Supreme C0urt nominee S@muel Alit0 attempts to gouge his face in frustration and wonders if it's too late to run away and become a busker in the London tube."

Today's strange IM conversation brought on by boredom

kabasares: Andy!
Andy: ken!
Andy: sadly to say.... no more bowling...I think I'm getting sick =(
kabasares: DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!!
kabasares: I just bought bowling shoes, a brand new bowling ball, a bowling ball bag, and hired a professional bowling coach!
kabasares: And a lucky bowling hat, a bowling bath towel, bowling slippers, bowling bedsheets, bowling boxer shorts
kabasares: bowling dishware, bowling silverware
kabasares: bowling stationary, bowling heart implant, bowling cyberware
kabasares: bowling heart valve
kabasares: bowling dialysis machine
kabasares: bowling tie, bowling frozen peas, bowling underarm spray
Andy: aw!
Andy: well it's only tuesday
kabasares: I hope I can sell all my bowling stuff on ebay.
kabasares: make some money back.
kabasares: Do you need a bowling cat brush?
Andy: it's just one day!
Andy: we can still go!
kabasares: eh, we'll see.
Andy: I just wanted to give you a head's up..
kabasares: OK.
kabasares: Drink fluids.
kabasares: And you know, a bowling alley would be the worst place to go if you're sick.
Andy: yah, that's kinda true eh?
kabasares: Cuz germs get all in the finger holes.
Andy: EW!
kabasares: Yup.
kabasares: I heard that somewhere.

Be careful.

Just when you think your life is going smoothly, G0d will laugh in your face.

Fucking bastard.

Parking Shmarking

The word "pudwhacker" had never entered my lexicon, until today, when I tried to park in the Trader J0e's parking lot.

Gnu year

The holiday season is now officially over. Everyone can go back to being a jackass now.