To my future girlfriend

You should never break up with me. Because after you do, sooner or later, you will be in the middle of something, and you will suddenly think "Wait a second, I broke up with him?! What was I thinking!"

And then your life will never be the same.

It's a fact.

Just letting you know.

I think I've figured me out.

To prospective girlfriends -
OK, so here's the deal with me. I am a Gemini, so there are two sides to me.

Now that you know this, here's the caveat:
For everything you find attractive, funny and original about me, you will find something equally ugly, irritating and stupid.

Buyer beware.

This is late but I don't care.

I am slightly stupid and very bored. So here's my thing:

Welcome to ASK A ZOMBIE, where we ask a zombie, well, questions. And he, um, answers them.

What do zombies eat?
BRAAAAAAIIIIINS!

What do you use to lock up your bike?
CHAAAAAAIIIIINS!

What part of the sink does water exit through?
DRAAAAAAIIIIINS!

What's your favorite bird?
CRAAAAANNNNES!

What's that all over your shirt?
STAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNS!

What vehicle flies in the air?
PLAAAAAANES!

What vehicle runs on tracks?
TRAAAAAAIIIIINS!

What are wheat, barley and rice?
GRAAAAAAIIIIINS!

What is your favorite fruit?
CANTALOUPE!

Thank you, mister zombie. See you next time!

A bedtime story.

Diane Lane is hot.

The end.

Just a preview...

Here's a taste of my static trapeze act. Enjoy.

I've got to check my passport pt. 2

I'm watching "Rosemary & Thyme" on PBS. I have officially become a British senior citizen.

You've all been waiting for it...

Episode #5 is now up!

http://bwtmpodcast.blogspot.com

Enjoy it. Or don't.

The three M's

I'm a simple guy. I want what everyone else wants: a million dollars, magical powers, and a mecha suit.

Why is that so hard?

Eavesdropping #4

For those of you just joining the "Eavesdropping" series...I have a gmail account that I use for junk mailings. Apparently, my address is simiar to other people's gmail accounts, so every now and then I get an email that's meant for someone else. Like this one...

From: lin
Date: May 21, 2007 8:37 AM

What's up Krystal? I mentioned to my boyfriend about your job and he got all excited. Here's his number XXX-XXX-4511 and I've enclosed his resume. I can't get Mike off my mind today.I want to send him a message but I don't want to disturb them.

--
"All you have to do is say yes"
-Floetry

This brief email is so full of intrigue and possible soap-operaesque infidelity. Let's see what we have: this "lin" person has a boyfriend. She told him about a job, and is getting him in contact with Krystal. In the next line, she mentiones "Mike," and how she can't get him off her mind, and she wants to contact him, but has some reservations. Hmmm. What has "Mike" done that has her thinking of him all day? And then she writes "I don't want to disturb them." Who is this "them" of which she writes? And then her signature file is an innuendo-laden quote from Floetry. Just read it. Aloud. But whisper it. Ooooh, sexy, no?

Oh, how I wish "lin" would accidentally email me again. Then again, maybe not. My imagination is conjuring up more exciting scenarios than what is probably happening in real life. Oh, innuendo, how you get me started.

What I did on my summer vacation

9 days, 1 car, 1 camera.



Enjoy!

I have to check my passport

First of all, there was a 4.5 earthquake at 1am. I felt it. So there.

Secondly...I am really enjoying BBC's "Life On Mars" and "Dr. Who." Which means I am becoming a British geek.

Yeah, I'm not really into "Battlestar Galactica" or "Heroes" or "Lost" or anything. But produce it in England and fill it with Brit actors, and I become dorky fanboy.

"What time is it? No time to look back." - David Byrne

New episode is up!

Alrighty, all you frothing-at-the-mouth fans, here's our latest installment, and it's surprisingly fun!

BUT WAIT...THERE'S MORE!

Eavesdropping #3

To recap:
I have a gmail account that is similar to other gmail addresses, so once in a while I get a stray email that was meant for someone else. I've gotten a lot, and here is another one.

From: Meg
Date: 11/25/06
Subject: Circuit City deals

hey dude,

im emailed u!! muaha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!! feel the wrath of my emailing POWER!!! he he, is this ur ONLY accualy person email?!?!?!?!



Megan =P

Apparently, Megan is 13 years old AND retarded.

Just to be different...

Usually, I do static trapeze, where I'm alone and I do stuff like this...

 

But today, just to be different, I decided to do flying trapeze, in which I do this...

 

...cuz it's nice to mix things up once in a while.

What's happening in my head?

Pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr pon farr PON FARR!

PLAK TOW, MOTHERFUCKERS!

The magic ipod-8-ball?

When I listen to the songs on my ipod's "shuffle" mode, it feels like my ipod is trying to tell me something. Anyone else? Anyone? Just me? Anyone?

What is wrong with me?

I'm alone at the morning job. All alone.

And I'm still wearing my pants.

PICTURE OF THE WEEK

 

I was in New York for the past few days, and I took the above photo. If you can identify this photo, I will give you a kiss. Unless you're a dude, then I'll just high five you.

AIM IM with AIKIKRIS.
6:06 PM
Hey.
Hey
Are you there?
6:10 PM
Hello
Hey.
Hey
Are you still at work/
work?
Yep.
I see. When do you go home?
I'm leaving in a few minutes.
Okay, Patricia, Kyle and I are going out for dinner in a few minutes also.
I spoke to Gil yesterday on the IM.
Cool.
He's doing fine. I hope I can see him in Maui soon.
I'll be in SF for Mom's birthday.
Okay good. Mom wants to go to Teatro Zinzani.
Yeah. That sounds good.

Eavesdropping #2

For those of you just joining, I have a gmail account that apparently is similar to other gmail addresses, so once in a while I get a stray email that was meant for someone else. Here's #2...with sensitive parts taken out.

Date: 10/5/06
From: Bob
Subject: Derek Trucks Band

Hi Kelsey, I arrived in Tana this morning and am
pretty well beat. I'll keep in touch as things
progress. Barb [last name redacted] says you've made contact. Thanks.

Check out the Derek Trucks Band when you have time and
interest.

Give my best to everyone,

Bob

It's the cryptic "Barb...says you've made contact. Thanks." that makes it sound so mysterious. It sounds so spy and intrigue-like.

I think this Bob guy sent me a couple more emails.

Episode 2 is up!

Check it out...

BUT WAIT...THERE'S MORE!

Pon Farr animal style

It's not just me. It's happening all over.

SQUIRREL GOES ON RAMPAGE, INJURES 3
Thu Jun 14, 10:42 AM ET
BERLIN (Reuters) - An aggressive squirrel attacked and injured three people in a German town before a 72-year-old pensioner dispatched the rampaging animal with his crutch.

The squirrel first ran into a house in the southern town of Passau, leapt from behind on a 70-year-old woman, and sank its teeth into her hand, a local police spokesman said Thursday.

With the squirrel still hanging from her hand, the woman ran onto the street in panic, where she managed to shake it off.

The animal then entered a building site and jumped on a construction worker, injuring him on the hand and arm, before he managed to fight it off with a measuring pole.

"After that, the squirrel went into the 72-year-old man's garden and massively attacked him on the arms, hand and thigh," the spokesman said. "Then he killed it with his crutch."

The spokesman said experts thought the attack may have been linked to the mating season or because the squirrel was ill.
[emphasis added by me]

You know, when you get the plak tow, it's on.

Vulcan or not...here I come!

It's pon farr time!

Is it hot in here, or is it my plak tow?

Helleeeeewwww, ladies....

Eavesdropping

I have a gmail account I use for non-personal stuff or for when I jot down my email to sign petitions or what not. Aaaany-hoo, apparently, my gmail address is similar to several other people's emails, because in the past year I have been getting a lot of non-me related emails. I will be posting them here periodically. Here are the first two...

June 13, 2006
From: Jo
Subject: Directions

Hey, the computer works now....dont' forget the directions!!
thanks,
Jo

Well, hooray for you, Jo. Directions to what?

This next one is really interesting, because it came with photos. I will post one of them, because the other photo had an actual person in it.

Sept. 24, 2006
From: Bob
Subject: spears and bush knives

Kelsey,
The bush knives and spears are on the way via USPS. I
don't know if they'll leave them at your house or post
a pickup notice. Here's a couple of photos of the
blacksmith creating the spears.

Bob

Just the subject title alone was enough to catch my eye. I originally thought it was junk mail, but thank goodness I get curious once in a while.

Apparently, they're into spears and shit. I have no idea. None.

IT'S LIVE

GO HERE...

http://bwtmpodcast.blogspot.com/

It's fun.

Oh, lady.

I am soooooo not a Republican, but I think Dana Perino is kinda hot.

Do i look tired? Cuz i really am.

I know this getting doggy centered , but this showed up at work today.

LIFE SUCKS AT THE MOMENT!!!

This morning I was in a hurry, and as I pulled out of my parking space, I SCRAPED MY CAR. It's big enough to be seen from very far away, yet too small to get fixed. I HATE LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Doggie!

This dog is named thomas. Thats all u need 2 know.

Cultures

I just ate a big thing of yogurt parfait. I hope I dont get the poots.

I am Superman.

Last night we had our "first" rehearsal. But I'm not going to write about rehearsal, really. I want to talk about my health, because I've been fighting this congestion/sneezy/coughy thing for the past few days, and I don't like it. I don't like it for several reasons:

A) I like to think of myself as more than human, and petty things like colds and sniffles shouldn't knock a guy down.
B) I *just* finished a four-week physical therapy treatment for my shoulder (trapeze injury - a different story), and I was feeling like "hooray for me! I'm physically fit!" *cough* *cough* "...uh-oh."
C) I really want to get started singing in rehearsals.

So, a few days ago, when I started feeling a little congesty/sneezy/sniffly, I IMMEDIATELY took action. Which is to say, I started taking those zinc lozenges, Emergen-C packets, LOTS of herbal tea (I'm peeing like the all-mighty Mississippi river - I'm surprised my toilet hasn't just said "Aren't you DONE yet?")

Also, and this may seem weird, especially since I'm not really a new-agey, alternative medicine (or any kind of medicine...I don't even take aspirin) kind of guy, but I talk my body into being healthy. I pretty much say "all right, cells, let's get to work and kick this virus thing right in the motherf***ing BALLS." And it pretty much works. It really does. Whatevs. It works, so fuck off.

I also try to eat good stuff, like more leafy veggies, fruits, stuff like that. Only thing is, sometimes an overabundance of plant material can give me gas. I'd love to eat some yogurt too, but that gives me the poots as well. That's alright, though. We're in rehearsal, and actors get all chummy with each other, so everyone should be comfortable with my gas, right? If not, I'll just blame it on Blythe. Simple. Love me, love my gas is what I say. But we're safe for now, because the gas hasn't attacked.

As for now, I can say that I'm putting up a real good fight. I've been getting my sleep, and monitoring how I feel. And I've kept this thing from blowing up into a full blown cold or flu, so hooray. Hopefully I won't be gassy.

This'll make you sick.

I love the way my girlfriend cuts apples.

An IM conversation with Edren

edren(11:22:15 PM): yo.
kennedy(11:23:22 PM): hey.
edren(11:22:48 PM): wanna do a zero3 piece?
kennedy(11:23:58 PM): when?
edren(11:23:35 PM): i dunno. traci was talking about the first cafe at lost souls, or the first cafe at the outdoor space. i prefer the latter.
kennedy(11:24:39 PM): When would it be?
edren(11:24:05 PM): i don't know.
edren(11:24:09 PM): you busy?
kennedy(11:25:13 PM): Tuesdays should be fine.
kennedy(11:25:17 PM): I'm in the next Lodestone show.
edren(11:25:07 PM): we would have to rehearse. and work on a new piece. me and traci have kind of talked about ti a little.
kennedy(11:26:15 PM): Sounds cool.
edren(11:25:43 PM): you know what else sounds cool?
kennedy(11:26:42 PM): My ass?
edren(11:25:54 PM): yes.
kennedy(11:26:50 PM): indeed.
edren(11:26:03 PM): true that.
edren(11:26:22 PM): speaking fo which, i'm actually watching a porn called 100% anal.
kennedy(11:27:28 PM): Ah. Well, there's no double entendre there.
edren(11:26:41 PM): i think i'ts mexican but i don't recognize the words.
kennedy(11:27:51 PM): Is it actually 100%? Or is it like 25% vaginal, 25% oral?
edren(11:27:04 PM): it's spelled ontondre yo.
edren(11:27:26 PM): well, the streaming is kind of choppy, so all i see is ugly people kissing then i switch.
kennedy(11:28:20 PM): Cuz, you know...truth in advertising.
kennedy(11:28:21 PM): Oh.
edren(11:27:32 PM): i got a semi, but nothing raging.
kennedy(11:28:29 PM): Yeah.
kennedy(11:28:38 PM): Well, time to change videos.
edren(11:28:18 PM): here's one. called park in the rear. another ass movie.
kennedy(11:29:18 PM): Get it? Rear?
kennedy(11:29:21 PM): Get it?
edren(11:28:32 PM): and taking it up the butt parts 1 and 2.
kennedy(11:29:24 PM): THey mean ASS.
kennedy(11:29:34 PM): They're so clever.
edren(11:28:46 PM): truly. inside the out.
edren(11:29:17 PM): so it makes sense. let's do a zero3 piece. a farewell to zero3.
kennedy(11:30:43 PM): Just keep me updated.
edren(11:29:52 PM): call it, ass goodbye butt anal 100%.
kennedy(11:30:51 PM): Parking in the rear
kennedy(11:30:55 PM): up the chute
edren(11:30:09 PM): how does next monday for a meeting sound? 8ish?
kennedy(11:31:02 PM): in through the out door.
edren(11:30:15 PM): lol. up the chute.
kennedy(11:31:15 PM): Cool.
kennedy(11:31:17 PM): Lemme know.
kennedy(11:31:21 PM): The where and shit.
edren(11:30:38 PM): you're cool with that time and day?
kennedy(11:31:31 PM): Sweet asses of sex.
edren(11:30:45 PM): lol.
kennedy(11:31:39 PM): Yeah, Mondays should be good.
kennedy(11:32:00 PM): Pound that ass volume 21.
edren(11:31:14 PM): in the ass phincter hole 100% ass butt ass ass anal ass movie.
kennedy(11:32:14 PM): LOL. Literally.
edren(11:31:32 PM): lol.
kennedy(11:33:12 PM): A friend told me of a video series called "Balls in Box" where guys put their balls in the coochie.
kennedy(11:33:27 PM): I've never seen it, and it sounds kinda weird. And painful.
edren(11:32:41 PM): damn. i imagine that would hurt. unless the gilr really had a generous cooch.
kennedy(11:33:59 PM): Well, whatevs. There's some kind of porn for everyone, regardless of taste
edren(11:33:50 PM): dude. i gotta figure out a way to cut my ass hairs by myself. without having to go get it waxed.
kennedy(11:34:51 PM): Use a hand mirror?
kennedy(11:35:12 PM): I dunno, man. You're on your own. Waxing sounds fucking painful.
edren(11:34:25 PM): but udde, i have no idea how to get at it. it's weird fexible shit t oget ther.e
edren(11:34:59 PM): yeah, but man, at least it'll be gone for a long time. and i won't feel the stubble for a while. and the girl could lick it and not be grossed out. other than the fact it's my ass.
kennedy(11:36:15 PM): Well, you may have to make an appointment then. And not sit down for a while.
edren(11:35:55 PM): yeah. but i'm still wanting to see if i could do it on my own. maybe they sell an electric razor of sorts.
edren(11:36:06 PM): i mean, c'mon. i can't be the only one with a hairy asshole.
edren(11:36:09 PM): am i?
kennedy(11:37:10 PM): Um, yes. Yes you are.
kennedy(11:37:25 PM): You are alone, hairy-assholed freak.
edren(11:36:36 PM): really? no for reals. am i? you've never heard of this?
kennedy(11:37:36 PM): Everyone has ass hair.
edren(11:37:03 PM): but in their ass? like not on their ass, but in between the ass cheeks?
kennedy(11:38:05 PM): Yeah. Even women do.
kennedy(11:38:20 PM): But not as bad as men, I imagine.
edren(11:37:47 PM): really? how come in the porn they don't? and i want to lick it up like meltiong chocolate ice cream on a hot summer day?
kennedy(11:38:51 PM): Because porn stars wax.
kennedy(11:39:07 PM): Look, as long as it's not at braiding length, I think you're OK.
edren(11:38:22 PM): aww man. my universe shifted a few degrees. and here comes the asteroid.
edren(11:38:37 PM): it's getting there though dude. i'm startign to get worried.
edren(11:38:50 PM): aaaaaaaaaaannnnnd scene!
kennedy(11:39:48 PM): blackout
edren(11:39:00 PM): there. we have our opener fo r the farewell zero3 peice.
kennedy(11:39:59 PM): There you go. A scene about ass hair.
kennedy(11:40:00 PM): Yes.
kennedy(11:40:02 PM): Yesss.
edren(11:39:17 PM): how do i cut and paste this shit?
kennedy(11:40:33 PM): And we can call it "ass buthole anus sphincter ass hole thing."
kennedy(11:40:42 PM): Yeah.
edren(11:39:53 PM): lol
kennedy(11:40:50 PM): I think you can save this conversation.
kennedy(11:40:57 PM): Then you can cut and paste and shit.
edren(11:40:19 PM): how do you save it?
kennedy(11:41:37 PM): Oh, wait, I think if you click in the window you can select all.
edren(11:42:32 PM): saved! that's going on my blog and my my space!
kennedy(11:43:32 PM): Yes.
kennedy(11:44:54 PM): Sweet baby jesus, yes.
kennedy(11:45:15 PM): Our hairy asshole conversation saved for history.
edren(11:44:37 PM): in the annals of time. HA!
kennedy(11:45:37 PM): GET IT!!! ANNALS!
edren(11:44:52 PM): woot!
edren(11:44:58 PM): peanut beutter jelly time!
kennedy(11:45:53 PM): hahah!
kennedy(11:46:24 PM): Allright. I must now take a huge crap before going to bed.
kennedy(11:46:31 PM): Later, dude!
edren(11:45:42 PM): alright dude. piece.

VINDICATED

Spell it right, bitches!

http://www.d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y.com

Whatevs.

I wanna start procrastinating, but I keep putting it off.

Another lovely instant message conversation with my brother...

Me: hey
My Brother: hey
Me: Mom and dad came to see my show.
My Brother: I know. How did it go.
Me: great.
My Brother: Good. I gotta go. Gotta do some shooting tonight.
Me: ok
My Brother: bye
(he signs off)

Just FYI, when he says "shooting," he means target practice at the shooting range. 

Answer: Old guys with beards.

Who the fuck smokes tobacco pipes anymore?