OK, this is pretty wrong.

I decided to write a list of all the things I'm looking for in the perfect woman. It turns out that I'm looking for a rich, female version of ME.

Help me!

For some reason, I have that "My Milkshake" song stuck in my head. And I don't know why. And I'm afraid it's going to turn into a condition.

Helen Mirren at 67 years old.

This is British actor Helen Mirren. She's 67 years old, and she's at the beach wearing a bikini. Yeah, motherfucker, that's a SIXTY and a motherfucking SEVEN!! How many women can pull that shit off? Yeah, Helen Mirren kicks all of y'all's asses. Fuck, if I looked like that at 67, I'd wear a bikini to church! I'd be all "Fuck you, congregation! Worship my 67 year old ass!"