Dear news editors,

I'm sick of the articles with the headlines that read "A list of [foods/books/movies/interesting people/activities] you've never [heard of/read/seen/done]".

I've NEVER heard of? Excuse me, but, fuck you, how do YOU know what I know? How condescending of you to say I don't know what you're about to tell me. So, you're saying that none of the readers have EVER heard of this stuff before you did? Oh, yeah. You're the FIRST ONE EVER to introduce us to these facts. You're the first one ever who's seen this movie, read these books, heard of these people. And the rest of us were retarded peons living in stupidity until you came along. Are we supposed to feel stupid that we don't know what you're about to tell us? It's like you're saying "You should be thankful I'm telling you this or else you'd go through life being a freaking idiot." Fuck you. FUCK YOU, EDITORS AND/OR REPORTERS. YOU ARE NOT THAT SMART.

How do YOU know I haven't read that book, or heard of that person? How do you know that I'm not already doing the exercise or eating that healthy food? You DON'T. You just assume.

And you know what happens when we assume.

Or maybe you've never heard of that saying.

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downsized_1017080053.jpg
Originally uploaded by kennedyk

It's not even halloween, and the CVS is selling christmas shit. WRONG!!!

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0916081121.jpg
Originally uploaded by kennedyk

Weird cakes shaped like pigs. Yay.

Define oxymoron...

I saw this on the freeway in L.A. earlier this month. Yeah, if it's CLEAN, it wouldn't be called DIRT, now, would it?

I'm sure there's some industrial reason this is called "clean dirt", but as an average citizen, this sign looks retarded.

Random thought

Maybe adult diapers shouldn't be for just the incontinent. Maybe they should be for the lazy as well.

OK, this is pretty wrong.

I decided to write a list of all the things I'm looking for in the perfect woman. It turns out that I'm looking for a rich, female version of ME.

Help me!

For some reason, I have that "My Milkshake" song stuck in my head. And I don't know why. And I'm afraid it's going to turn into a condition.

Helen Mirren at 67 years old.

This is British actor Helen Mirren. She's 67 years old, and she's at the beach wearing a bikini. Yeah, motherfucker, that's a SIXTY and a motherfucking SEVEN!! How many women can pull that shit off? Yeah, Helen Mirren kicks all of y'all's asses. Fuck, if I looked like that at 67, I'd wear a bikini to church! I'd be all "Fuck you, congregation! Worship my 67 year old ass!"

I'm late on this, but...

 

I SOO love this.

Fun, but cruel and painstaking.

I always thought it would be fun to own a dog and a cat. I would name the dog "kitty", and the cat "doggie". And whenever people would come over and see the animals, they'd call one name but get a response from the other animal. It would be confusing for both guests and pets, and provide me with a moment of humor.

Ode to the season

Oh, pon farr. How I love you, pon farr.

You make the simplest, everyday occurrences seem like a sweaty, sexy, vigorous lube-and-friction-contortion-extreme-gonzo-p****graphic photo shoot. And lots of naked-idity. And that musky scent.

And that's what it's like to go grocery shopping with me right now.

Oh, pon farr.

I'm all tingly

I like having pon farr. It's like being 18 at the beach.

Help me out, ladies. A Kennedy during pon farr can be your friend.

Irony

 

I took this. Cuz I'm a badass lawbreaking motherfucker.

Lurvely.

I am SO hot for Freema Agyeman. I am also a big geekdork.

RedBulls**t

I got a free Red Bull because these cute promotional Red Bull chicks wearing shorts were handing them out downtown. I don't drink Red Bull (unless it's in vodka), but on a hot day, it's hard to say "no" to a cute girl wearing short shorts.

Anyway, I don't like drinking energy drinks or coffee for one reason...if you need caffeine or stimulants to get you up and going, you are lame.

My philosophy is if your body is tired, then fuck it, you're going to be low energy. Deal with it. Don't force your body to speed up when it clearly wants you slow the fuck down. Your body is smart. It knows when to be awake and when to rest.

I've said it before...

Brainy chicks make me hot. I love PBS.

Into the future!

I just got my $40 coupon for a digital converter for my analog TV! Great! Now I can watch shitty reruns and stupid reality shows in digital clarity!

It's almost like it's a rule or something.

Why is it that the tiniest cuts/scrapes hurt the most, bleed the most profusely, and are ineviably in places that you will need to use a lot, like your FINGERTIPS. GOD HELP ME, TYPING THIS IS PAINFUL AS A MOTHER&#$@*&!!! Great, now I need a paper towel to clean my keyboard.

Here we go again!

pon farr.

Don't know what I mean? Click here.

Flattered, but...

Dear gay friends of friends,

Thanks for the attention and all, it's kind of an ego boost. I mean, it's nice to be noticed, right? But could you let your straight female friends know how friendly and fun I am? The lack of girl action is kind of killing me right now. It's not that I couldn't use the time to work on myself, lord knows, it's always a good time to work on myself. And that's what I've been doing for the last couple of months, with positive results, but no results with the female of the species. At least, not that I can notice. I'm kind of clueless at that, I must admit.

Anyhow, you guys have been really swell, and I appreciate it. But, give this brother a hand and, you know, spread the word amongst your single, straight, intelligent, funny, beautiful girlfriends. And if they are as friendly as you guys are, that would be just peachy.

Going...gone!

People can "go blind," or "go deaf," or even "go crazy." Can one actually "go stupid?" Because I think I am.

Sometimes this says it all.

Just wonderin...

I'm wondering if the fabric of space and time has a thread count.

Beat this, bitches!

On Friday night, I bumped into Stephen Hawking.  So all y'all can suck it.

I was just thinkin...

Do people still throw Mary Kay Cosmetics parties?  And could I be invited?  Cuz I think that would be a great place to introduce the idea of an orgy.

Cuz I'm like that.

This afternoon (Sunday) I was walking past the Marc Jacobs store in San Francisco, and there was this guy in a skunk costume in the display window.

So this happened...

because I'm a big retard.

I must note that the skunk wasn't very enthused about me being there. It wasn't very jovial or particularly animated. Which makes me even more retarded.

It's my blog.

I've been really gassy these past couple of days. And by gassy, I mean I've been farting a lot. YES, you needed to know that. NO, it is not way too much information. In fact, it is exactly the right amount of information you need to know at this very moment in time.

This is my blog.

Enjoy it.

Add this to your list

Something you will never, ever hear:

"Do you know who I am? I'M DEEPAK CHOPRA, BITCH!"

Never.

Inevitable

One of the rules in life:

The day you go out looking your absolute shittiest is the day you will run into either your ex-girlfriend or that one girl you are trying to convince that you are the bee's knees.

If you're really lucky, you'll run into both. At the same time. And you'll fart.

Another Valentine's thing

Sex with me is like riding a really fun rollercoaster. Up and down, upside down, lots of laughing, someone loses the camera, and when it's done, you feel like puking.

Yeah. It's that intense.

This is the Valentine's card I sent to my friends...

I choo-choo-choose YOU all as my Valentines! Isn't that swell and shit?

That Cupid fella has good aim. Goes straight for the main body mass,
where all the vitals are. I must now remove this barbed hunting shaft
from my torso. That winged motherfucker uses arrowheads used to take
down elk! I think my left lung has collapsed. DAMN YOU, CHERUBIC
ARCHER! DAMN YOU TO HEL- [collapses in a heap] [major blood loss]

Moving?

If you have a dog or cat and want to move into a building that doesn't allow pets, just dress it up in human clothes and tell the landlord that it's your child. If they say "That's not a child, that's a cat," just get insulted and say "Are you saying my child is ugly?"

It works.

Trust me, it works.

Talk history to me, baby!

Is it me, or are most of the women appraisers on "Antiques Roadshow" kinda sexy?

I got a thing for brainy chicks.

Candy-gram-mer

OK, I bought some Dove chocolates on sale (they were autumn themed, so there). Inside the wrapper of these individually wrapped, small, rounded-edged squares of fuck-all-y'all goodness, are printed some really awful pseudo-thoughtful autumnal sayings, like "enjoy the colors of nature" or "Fly a kite in the azure sky" or some lame shit. But that doesn't really bother me because I bought the bag for the dark chocolate-y goodness that is Dove, not for shitty wanna-be fortunes. No, it doesn't bother me.

That is, it didn't bother me until this piece I opened a few minutes ago.

The wrapper read: "The wind tells a story, listen."

The offending evidence:





OK, not only is that a STUPID, neo-hippy-new-agey thought, it's got TERRIBLE PUNCTUATION. There's a comma where a period or other END PUNCTUATION belongs. NOT A FUCKING COMMA. Correct grammer would read "The wind tells a story. Listen." Or, "The wind tells a story? Listen!" Or, "The wind tells a story! Listen!" Not a comma, you dickweeds, an end punctuation. Hey, here's a good example of using a comma - "FUCK YOU, DOVE!"

It made me so mad, I had to eat four more chocolates, even though my cholesterol is high. I ate them not because I was hungry or had a sweet tooth, but out of ANGER at DOVE. And to read some other lame sayings that were correctly puctuated, just to get the stupid punctuation mistake out of my head.

Fuck you, Dove.

P.S.
I love your chocolates.

P.P.S.
Fuck you anyway.

P.P.P.S.
You know, I haven't actually checked any punctuation books, so I may be entirely wrong. But whatever. It looks wrong. And if I'm wrong, then Dove is wrong for printing stupid shit on their labels.

Same thing, different person

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading. - Zach Braff